Riley's behavior has been off all summer, we're not sure what's going on. We've tried talking to her and she either storms off and says she doesn't want to talk about it or she denies anything is going on. The end of the year ended rough for her as well. The last day of school we headed to Dr Hoffinger, I had been prepping her for a while that she might need more surgery but it would be after her summer softball All-Star league (yep, didn't blog about that either) and after soccer season which is due to start any day. Anyway, the appointment pretty much went as expected. She needs surgery, not a tendon transfer, but a tendon lengthening on the bottom of her foot. It should be a month in a walking cast so she wouldn't have to miss school (darn, that means no work leave for me to care for her) and it should be fairly easy compared to what she's been through. And Dr Hoffinger being as awesome as he is agreed to wait until after soccer season.
Well it all came out a week ago. It was bedtime and Riley just lost it, it all came rolling out. She overheard Dr Hoffinger and I talking and she knew she needed more surgery. She hates having surgery, she hates having clubfeet, she hates the way the medicine they give her for surgery makes her feel, why does she have clubfeet and no one else in the family does, why doesn't Jacob have it but she does? Every why I've ever asked myself came rolling out of her. All of the weight and burden that I've carried for 8 years since finding out about her feet came spewing out of her mouth and in those moments, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I fumbled my way through all of those questions.
I don't know why you have clubfeet Riley, but you do. And as long as you have it we'll fight it and we'll beat it. Jacob doesn't have it, well because, you've met your brother and he couldn't handle it. Do you think Jacob could handle casts, AFOs, surgery? No, but you can. You're never given anything you can't handle. But remember all of those kids that we see at Dr Hoffinger, who are in wheelchairs and can't walk. The have it much harder than we do, at least you can run and play and are the best softball player in the family. So I hate clubfeet too but we have it pretty good compared to some other kids.
What if I have it when I'm an adult and have to have more surgery?
Then I'll be by your side, even if you're married and have your own kids, I'll hold your hand as you go into surgery and I'll be there when you wake up. No matter how old you are, we'll fight it together.
I hate clubfeet. I wish I never had it.
Me too, Riley, me too. All I ever do is worry about you, your feet, having a normal life, I worry that you will have pain when you are older but we're doing the surgery and the things we're doing now so that when you are older and an adult, hopefully we can stop worrying and all we'll do is have pictures and memories to remind us of our battle.
And as she went to bed with tear soaked cheeks, I went to bed wishing if I could wake up and make her clubfeet mine, I would.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
I Can't Believe...
My last blog was January 3...that means I missed Riley's birthday, her entire softball season, end of the school year and many other events along the way. Life in the Zimmerman house has become quite chaotic with the kids getting older, me working full time and commuting and all of the activities that we have lined up. It seems what used to be my passion and hobby has fallen by the wayside.
Hopefully I can be better and get back to blogging so the kids have a "memory book" of their childhood through these posts.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
My Sporty Spice
We didn't have many plans this week, we decided on a staycation to get caught up on life so when we got an email about a batting clinic through Riley's new softball league, we decided to sign her up to dust off her bat and swing. I was a little worried that she would be the youngest there but it turned out that only 6 girls signed up for the time we chose and they ranged from 6-9 so it was perfect. There was a professional batting coach running it along with two high school players who were college bound so they were able to individualize the instruction to fit the level of the girls. The batting coach had an app that measures the trajectory of the swing along with swing time to the ball. It was pretty cool. He then took Riley's swing and layered it over professional athletes' swing. He compared Riley's swing to Jennie Finch (USA Olympic player) and Riley has a pretty similar swing to her. It was crazy, he also said her reflexes and bat swing are fast enough that she could play player pitch this year (versus the coaches pitch her age and grade default too).
I love watching Riley play any sport but particularly softball. She becomes a different person on the field, her focus is unbreakable, she matures about 10 years and she's passionate and dedicated to it. It made me very excited about this upcoming softball season!
I love watching Riley play any sport but particularly softball. She becomes a different person on the field, her focus is unbreakable, she matures about 10 years and she's passionate and dedicated to it. It made me very excited about this upcoming softball season!
My Loo Turned 4!
It's hard to believe that it's been two weeks since my Loo turned 4 (and that I am just able to sit down - sort of - and blog about it!). So first, my note to my Jacob on his 4th birthday:
My Sweet Jacob Liam! It's hard to believe that 4 years ago you came into this big world and made it a whole lot brighter. What a little man you have turned into over the past year. You are hell bent on being a big boy and hanging with Riley's friends. It's no secret that you're not an easy kid but what you lack in flexibility, sleep and an even temperament, you make up for in empathy, compassion and overall kindheartedness. You are always the first to run to someone who is upset to see if they are ok and see how you can help. When you are sad, you easily and openly express your feelings. You are sensitive and easily get your feelings hurt, especially if scolded my someone you love. You are my cuddler and love to snuggle. But at the same time you are all boy, you love Darth Vadar, light sabers, fire trucks, and all things boy.
In the past year, I have seen you open up and become a social little butterfly. You have a tight core group of buddies that you love to hang with and openly approach other children to play, something that you would have never done a year ago. But at the same time, you feel odd and overwhelmed being the center of attention.
Happy Birthday my sweet boy, may you always remain the sweet, compassionate, boys boy that you are and may your 4th year bring lots of love, happiness and FUN! I love you forever and ever and ever again my little buddy!
To celebrate we had a super fun birthday party at Build-A-Bear Workshop, they did a great job and we are now proud owners of a Kylo Ren Star Wars Bear!
On Jacob's actual birthday we let him pick his day since it was a Saturday! We opened some presents, then went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. While at the movie theater, we ran into a Droid! So fun! Then we hit Menchie's before having dinner at home (Jacob's request) and ice cream cake!
Jacob also had a great 4 year well check! He's measuring in the 65th percentile on weight and the 55th on height. And is the picture of health! He even got 3 vaccines and did not shed one tear, he let out a little ow on the third one but didn't cry or meltdown! All he wanted was a pair of Dr exam gloves so he could play Dr at home! How old does he look at his checkup!
My Sweet Jacob Liam! It's hard to believe that 4 years ago you came into this big world and made it a whole lot brighter. What a little man you have turned into over the past year. You are hell bent on being a big boy and hanging with Riley's friends. It's no secret that you're not an easy kid but what you lack in flexibility, sleep and an even temperament, you make up for in empathy, compassion and overall kindheartedness. You are always the first to run to someone who is upset to see if they are ok and see how you can help. When you are sad, you easily and openly express your feelings. You are sensitive and easily get your feelings hurt, especially if scolded my someone you love. You are my cuddler and love to snuggle. But at the same time you are all boy, you love Darth Vadar, light sabers, fire trucks, and all things boy.
In the past year, I have seen you open up and become a social little butterfly. You have a tight core group of buddies that you love to hang with and openly approach other children to play, something that you would have never done a year ago. But at the same time, you feel odd and overwhelmed being the center of attention.
Happy Birthday my sweet boy, may you always remain the sweet, compassionate, boys boy that you are and may your 4th year bring lots of love, happiness and FUN! I love you forever and ever and ever again my little buddy!
To celebrate we had a super fun birthday party at Build-A-Bear Workshop, they did a great job and we are now proud owners of a Kylo Ren Star Wars Bear!
On Jacob's actual birthday we let him pick his day since it was a Saturday! We opened some presents, then went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. While at the movie theater, we ran into a Droid! So fun! Then we hit Menchie's before having dinner at home (Jacob's request) and ice cream cake!
Jacob also had a great 4 year well check! He's measuring in the 65th percentile on weight and the 55th on height. And is the picture of health! He even got 3 vaccines and did not shed one tear, he let out a little ow on the third one but didn't cry or meltdown! All he wanted was a pair of Dr exam gloves so he could play Dr at home! How old does he look at his checkup!
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Mediocre News
This crazy life has continued to escape us, here it is December 26th and my last update was in August, which also coincided with Riley's last clubfoot update. It's been about a week since we trekked up to Walnut Creek for her checkup. We were both pretty nervous, Riley was convinced she was getting a cast and had the color all picked out. I on the other hand, thought a cast was in our future but was pretty sure he wasn't going to cast her because of the holidays and vacation schedules and getting her in for changes. At least she is finally in tune with her foot.
Of course everyone there was delighted to see Riley, she pretty much owns that office. And most importantly, she feels comfortable there. It's so weird now that he's at Stanford because everythig is so protocol driven, he as a nurse who comes in and examines her, of course she had little to no dorsiflexion, which had me doubting my suspicions about not getting a cast. But then Dr H came in and watched her walk, examined her feet, asked her about pain. So the good news, no cast and really not necessary. He says her clubfoot is not causing the inward turning of her foot. If he were to take x-rays he'd see all of the structure of the foot is fully aligned and where it should be, that her cavus tendon is causing our issues. We had this issue with her left foot which used to be a size smaller than her right. He released the cavus and I remember him coming out of the OR and telling us that once he released that tendon, her whole foot relaxed and settled into looking normal. He of course continued to transfer her tendon on that foot because alignment was off and no matter how much we casted, it continued to drift off it's axis but her right foot is fully aligned. I took this as fantastic news because Ponseti seems to have worked on her right foot, she's now nearly 4 years out of the brace.
The bad news, she needs a cavus tendon release, sooner rather than later. Especially because I expressed concern because her feet don't seem to grow. She's a size Toddler 11 at 7! Little brother is a Toddler 12 at 4! He said the release should help with some of that. We're in basketball now and then we roll right into softball so her surgery will be right before or right after school lets out. This will allow her to play the sports she loves, finish up the school year, and then still have a summer.
Riley of course took it all in stride. She really is a trooper, she rarely has moments where she hates her clubfeet or gets upset at courses of treatment and she was was elated NOT to be getting a cast. I was pretty happy to not have to figure out how to keep it dry in this El Nino winter that we're having. So now we just wait for the scheduler to call and get the ball rolling on that front. Of course, sending her into surgery again is not ideal but I am optimistic that this will be a fix for us and help with some of the pain that she's been feeling. A few hours after her appointment we went to basketball practice where the assistant coach pulled me aside to tell me Riley was the only one who could make a basket on the team. In my head, I laughed, because if only she knew a few hours earlier she found out she needed foot surgery again, it would make it all that much more ironic. For now, we live life, riding bikes (when it's not raining), playing basketball, doing running club and we will cross surgery when we get there!
Of course everyone there was delighted to see Riley, she pretty much owns that office. And most importantly, she feels comfortable there. It's so weird now that he's at Stanford because everythig is so protocol driven, he as a nurse who comes in and examines her, of course she had little to no dorsiflexion, which had me doubting my suspicions about not getting a cast. But then Dr H came in and watched her walk, examined her feet, asked her about pain. So the good news, no cast and really not necessary. He says her clubfoot is not causing the inward turning of her foot. If he were to take x-rays he'd see all of the structure of the foot is fully aligned and where it should be, that her cavus tendon is causing our issues. We had this issue with her left foot which used to be a size smaller than her right. He released the cavus and I remember him coming out of the OR and telling us that once he released that tendon, her whole foot relaxed and settled into looking normal. He of course continued to transfer her tendon on that foot because alignment was off and no matter how much we casted, it continued to drift off it's axis but her right foot is fully aligned. I took this as fantastic news because Ponseti seems to have worked on her right foot, she's now nearly 4 years out of the brace.
The bad news, she needs a cavus tendon release, sooner rather than later. Especially because I expressed concern because her feet don't seem to grow. She's a size Toddler 11 at 7! Little brother is a Toddler 12 at 4! He said the release should help with some of that. We're in basketball now and then we roll right into softball so her surgery will be right before or right after school lets out. This will allow her to play the sports she loves, finish up the school year, and then still have a summer.
Riley of course took it all in stride. She really is a trooper, she rarely has moments where she hates her clubfeet or gets upset at courses of treatment and she was was elated NOT to be getting a cast. I was pretty happy to not have to figure out how to keep it dry in this El Nino winter that we're having. So now we just wait for the scheduler to call and get the ball rolling on that front. Of course, sending her into surgery again is not ideal but I am optimistic that this will be a fix for us and help with some of the pain that she's been feeling. A few hours after her appointment we went to basketball practice where the assistant coach pulled me aside to tell me Riley was the only one who could make a basket on the team. In my head, I laughed, because if only she knew a few hours earlier she found out she needed foot surgery again, it would make it all that much more ironic. For now, we live life, riding bikes (when it's not raining), playing basketball, doing running club and we will cross surgery when we get there!
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| We now bring our own shorts (which everyone thought was genius) since she hates his paper shorts. When I told them this wasn't our first trip to the rodeo, they all laughed and said not by a long shot! I think her feet look pretty good here, she's still running on her toes a lot and when she walks you see the curve on her right foot due to the cavus tendon. |
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| Our traditional picture in front of his planter, Riley now won't let us leave without this picture! i love her for that, she plays my silly memory games! |
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| Hours after the orthopedic surgeon, taking a jump shot at basketball practice. My little Sporty Spice! |
Monday, August 24, 2015
Foot Update
First of all, I can't believe it's been 2 months since my last blog post. A true testament to the craziness of our lives right now, lots has happened since that last update, including a trip to Disneyland! (gasp, how could I not blog about that you ask!?! Well talk to my son who refuses to sleep and sucks every last bit of energy that I have left in me, out of me!). Oh and Riley has also lost her first and second tooth since my last blog post (oh the mommy shame!)
We've also had a clubfoot checkup since then as well and well, it was with mixed reviews so that's probably why I haven't blogged about it, because I'm in denial that we are still fighting this battle with her feet. This time her right foot is proving to be our problem child. The surgery on her left is still a success but now her right foot appears to be turning in (proof in the wear on the outside of her right foot), this after being out of her brace for 3 1/2 years. Why!?!
She's also walking on her toes which is in-line with the tight Achilles that we've been feeling. Dr H doesn't want to intervene yet but surgery was brought into the conversation this time. Same exact thing as on her left foot including the cavus tendon release on the bottom of her foot. Again, why!?! We chatted a little about out struggles because he had a resident student in with him (first time in our entire time of seeing him that there has been a medical student with him, thank you Stanford Medical - said sarcastically, I'm all for teaching but when it comes to my daughter's future, I'd like the full attention of the expert) so we didn't get too in depth but we both mentioned that we're supposed to be done with relapse by 5 and here we are, still facing them at 6 1/2. Again, why!?! I am very exhausted and deflated from all of these uphill battles. For a kid that is so active this is just getting unfair. She's now into soccer (another thing that we've started since my last post), basketball, and softball so I'm trying to figure out when I would even schedule a surgery to have the least impact on her sports and school. I'm guessing maybe next summer, though that would delay getting her on the swim team which is supposed to benefit her foot and obviously ruin her summer. It's very frustrating and exhausting.
On a positive note, we met a little girl (well she's in 7th grade) and her mom that live not too far from us and see Dr H as well and Riley and the little girl have really hit it off. She has unilateral clubfoot but had a similar surgery so she and Riley can compare scars and talk about having different feet. It's been nice for Riley to have someone to relate too and it's been really nice for me to have another mom face to face to talk to about it. I have met a lot of supportive moms in the online groups but for some reason I felt so much more comfortable with everything that I have been feeling after speaking in person to this mom (because she's feeling everything I'm feeling!)
So that's the update, not such great news but we go back in December so we'll see what he says!
We've also had a clubfoot checkup since then as well and well, it was with mixed reviews so that's probably why I haven't blogged about it, because I'm in denial that we are still fighting this battle with her feet. This time her right foot is proving to be our problem child. The surgery on her left is still a success but now her right foot appears to be turning in (proof in the wear on the outside of her right foot), this after being out of her brace for 3 1/2 years. Why!?!
She's also walking on her toes which is in-line with the tight Achilles that we've been feeling. Dr H doesn't want to intervene yet but surgery was brought into the conversation this time. Same exact thing as on her left foot including the cavus tendon release on the bottom of her foot. Again, why!?! We chatted a little about out struggles because he had a resident student in with him (first time in our entire time of seeing him that there has been a medical student with him, thank you Stanford Medical - said sarcastically, I'm all for teaching but when it comes to my daughter's future, I'd like the full attention of the expert) so we didn't get too in depth but we both mentioned that we're supposed to be done with relapse by 5 and here we are, still facing them at 6 1/2. Again, why!?! I am very exhausted and deflated from all of these uphill battles. For a kid that is so active this is just getting unfair. She's now into soccer (another thing that we've started since my last post), basketball, and softball so I'm trying to figure out when I would even schedule a surgery to have the least impact on her sports and school. I'm guessing maybe next summer, though that would delay getting her on the swim team which is supposed to benefit her foot and obviously ruin her summer. It's very frustrating and exhausting.
On a positive note, we met a little girl (well she's in 7th grade) and her mom that live not too far from us and see Dr H as well and Riley and the little girl have really hit it off. She has unilateral clubfoot but had a similar surgery so she and Riley can compare scars and talk about having different feet. It's been nice for Riley to have someone to relate too and it's been really nice for me to have another mom face to face to talk to about it. I have met a lot of supportive moms in the online groups but for some reason I felt so much more comfortable with everything that I have been feeling after speaking in person to this mom (because she's feeling everything I'm feeling!)
So that's the update, not such great news but we go back in December so we'll see what he says!
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| See the wear on the outside of the shoe on the left. No Bueno! |
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Biker Babe
Memorial Day we were at our neighbor's house and Riley asked her friend if she could try her bike out, she said yes. Her friend's bike didn't have training wheels and Riley has never ridden a bike without training wheels but I told her she could try. She got on and started pedaling and she was riding a bike, I was in awe!
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