Where to Begin?

I don't even know where to begin, just when I was beginning to get comfortable and think that we actually had clubfoot behind us, we get hit with another bump in the road.  It started in late February/ early March but I tried to ignore it.  I started to notice Riley's left foot turning in when she ran or took steps down the stairs.  I tried to ignore it since last year's surgery was supposed to be it, no more issues.  A couple of weeks ago, Marc and I were standing at the kitchen table and Riley was walking down the stairs.  Her left foot was drastically turning in and her heel wasn't touching the ground, my heart sank and I literally got nauseous, it was the point where I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I turned to Marc and told him I was concerned about her foot again, that I've noticed it turning in and her heel not completely hitting the ground.  He replied that he's noticed it too, especially at our 5K on St Patrick's Day and when was she supposed to go to Dr Hoffinger.  Her appointment was still 2 months out so I decided to call and see when they could get us in.  Turns out they had availability the Friday before Easter. 

Yet again, I was right about her foot.  Her tendons were tightening up, this time it was her heel cord and it's apparently not a common issue at this point in her treatment or after the tendon transfer (which the Achilles' was the one tendon that he didn't touch because we lengthened that when she was 3 1/2 months old!).  Sigh.  Lucky us!  Our options: 1) Increase stretches, 2) Re-cast (not an option since she's in the middle of softball season) 3) Night-time brace that stretches 4) Another tenotomy (surgery she had at 3 1/2 months) followed by casting and brace.  Grrrr!

We chose option 1, seemed the least interruptive to her day to day activities.  We go back the end of May for a re-check and if her feet aren't looser than we figure out next steps, most likely a night-time brace.   Riley's teacher offered to have her stretch before recess so Riley is doing stretches before she plays, there's a group of girls doing them with her and then they walk a lap before taking off to play.  Plus we do stretches before bed.

In the meantime, on our way out Dr Hoffinger mentioned that if we wanted to do some physical therapy to learn more stretches that he'd write us a prescription for it.  Hallelujah!  I've been asking for PT since her first relapse so I jumped on it.  They recommended the Center for Children's Sports Medicine at CHO Oakland on their Walnut Creek Campus.  So I'm driving up to Walnut Creek twice a week for PT.  I've got to say it is worth it, Riley loves her PT, she's very sweet to Riley PLUS it's mostly high school athletes there and they all love Riley because she's so little and gets right in there doing her exercises with them, no fear with that girl.  Her evaluation showed tight hamstrings and calves and also weak hips so we're focusing on strengthening her hips as well as stretching out her calves.  She gets massages to manually loosen her legs (can I get PT!?!) and then they do a bunch of stretches.  At this point I will do anything to prevent another surgery.

I also ordered a dorsi-ramp from Amazon to get a better stretch out of her.  Seriously, I'm hell bent on avoiding surgery. 

As for me, I am SO over clubfeet, we are supposed to be done with it by now.  Between her age and her surgery we are supposed to be past all of this and living a normal life.  I'm beginning to think that my expectations of her feet are too high, that they are never going to be perfect, and the sooner that I  accept this and move on, the better off that we will be.  And as horrible as this sounds, I am off from work, finally getting a chance to catch up on life and instead of doing this, I am shuttling to a from PT and Speech Therapy (for Jacob).  I know, I feel like a horrible mom for even thinking or saying it because I know Riley deserves all of the chances at having corrected feet that she can get but seriously, when are we going to get a break from all of this!  I want to move on from clubfeet but I'm beginning to think that may not be in our cards at this point.  Sigh.  We'll keep tryng and keep moving forward to give her the best possible future.

First PT session

Strengthening those hips

When did she grow up?  Off to PT one her own while I sit in the waiting room

Post PT treat!

Position still looks good

Before PT

My Brave Little Toaster

Well, it's hard to believe but it's been 1 year since Riley's ATTT surgery and cavus tendon release.  I really can't believe how far we've come, castings, AFOs, walkers seem like a distant memory.  The scars are mostly faded and Riley is back to her active self.  Making the decision to operate was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make as a parent.  Marc has input in Riley's clubfoot treatment but most of the burden and decisions have fallen as me as I've attended every appointment, done all of the research and have made it my mission in life to prove the Dr who said she couldn't do it all dead wrong.  When we decided to operate there was no definite that this would work, we didn't know the short term or long term effects, I just knew that I wanted her done with clubfeet before she started kindergarten.  I'm not sorry for this journey we've been on, we had hoped it would have been smoother, more turn key but it's shaped the world as we know it.  I've meet amazing families who are going through similar decisions, every first for Riley is even more special because we know it's been harder for her to get there.  But I look at these two perfect feet, I watch her running the bases in kickball at school with her peers (she's surprisingly fast), and I see her smile as she plays her first season of softball and it's all worth it.  I learn new lessons from Riley daily and I am both inspired and humbled by her persistence and take charge attitude.  Some physical activities may take her a little extra time but she never gives up, she doesn't take mediocre for an answer and I will be forever grateful for her stubborn attitude (for once it's a positive). 

These feet make me smile: 1 Year post-surgery!

Two Little Tootsies

So one of my friends from one of the clubfoot groups emailed me last week, her daughter is a few weeks younger than Riley and she has another daughter right around Jacob's age.  Her oldest is bilateral clubfeet like Riley and they just went for a check-up and her daughter may need the same surgery Riley had.  I told her I'd send pictures.  So I took some pictures of Riley's feet for her.  Riley is about 8 months post surgery.  I think they still look pretty darn good, I was worried about her right foot for a bit but it seems to look ok here!

Hardly any scars here!

This is the worst of her scars and thank goodness it's on the inside and the back.  Still it's not horrible!  All of the others have pretty much disappeared!

Yeah, that red on her foot is silly putty!  The scars aren't visible!

And on top of it, Riley participates in Dashing Dolphins at least once a week which is a running club at school.  So proud of her and the fact that clubfeet has never held her back.  I still remember the Drs telling us that she would never be able to keep up with her peers when they found the clubfeet in-utero.  Well she has more than proved them wrong, and every week that she gets another mile under her belt it's a few more steps in our fight against her birth defect.  Drs know a lot and but they don't know the spirit a child can possess and that it can defy the medical statistics.  I love watching her run with her classmates and friends and seeing her pride for each dolphin tail that she earns (they get a dolphin tail for every mile they run) and what it took to get to where we are today.

The Journey Worth Traveling

She's had 19 casts over the course of her life, I've driven countless miles to orthopedic surgeon appointments, we've probably had 100s of Drs appointments between casts and check-ups, we've had dozens of brace fittings, I've felt like I've failed her too many times, I've spent countless nights awake with worry about her feet, she's been through two surgeries, she has a killer AFO tan, but today it all culminated in two perfect feet and today it was all worthwhile.  Today, Riley, for the first time in a long time, is brace free with two feet in perfect position with perfect flexibility. 

We are nearly 6 months post-up, we've been monthly since her surgery for check-ups, we waited over an hour today to get into our appointment, all signs were pointing to a bad day.  But we got called back to our room and all the nurses fussed over Riley as usual, commented on how tall she looked since last month and joked over who got to have her as their favorite patient.  Then Dr H came, had her do her walking exercises, checked her flexibility.  I mentioned that Riley has been complaining a bit about her AFO hurting her heel so she may need a new AFO or could it be stretched.  He said "Why don't we just stop the AFO all together?  She looks good, really good."  Riley has been hoping for this day for months now, so needless to say she was ecstatic, as was I, I told him how happy we were with her feet, everything about them from the scars to the position, to the shape.  She gave Dr H a big hug, he said "Riley, I've had a really bad day today, but this, this made up for it all."  For me, I am so relieved, a huge weight feels like it has been lifted, I nearly broke out in tears, it's been a long, uphill battle to get here but we are here and I am so thankful.  Riley and I skipped through the parking lot hand in hand singing "We are brace free!" 

There's still the possibility that she could need more surgery but today I am relishing in the fact that this is not on the table right now and that Riley can start kindergarten AFO free, that she can do all of the activities that she wants and that I don't have to remember to check her backpack every morning for her AFO.  It didn't seem like we would ever get to this point, but we got here, and I am loving it!!!

After waiting for over an hour, this is what she would give me!  Check out those awesome feet!

On the way up to Dr H she was telling me about checkers and chess, I told her we'd go get Checkers at Target after her appointment if she behaved (she had a field trip and no nap so it was questionable).  Well she did great so we got a checkers/chess combo game, she tried to teach Jacob how to play.

I think her smile says it all!

Give Them Wings and They Will Fly

I've been quite the negligent blogger these days, updates with photos are coming soon.  It's been a busy summer, I can't believe next week is August!  Lots of fun is going on out here with lots of visitors in July.  So those updates are coming soon!

Riley continues to have a blast at her camp program at the elementary school.  This past week they took a field trip to a bouncy house place.  I've been dreading this field trip since I got the schedule of events in May.  We've had to hold her back from so many birthday parties because she hasn't been able to go in bouncy houses really since January when she began casting and we were pretty cautious prior to that since her muscles have been weakened by all of the castings.  I just hate taking her childhood away from her, she's had to be so "adult" about so much since her regression and her surgery and the last thing I want is to alienate her from her classmates so I made the decision to give her the decision and to trust her.  Kind of scary putting that responsibility into a 5 1/2 year old but I have to give her wings eventually and I personally believe it's important for her to learn the limitations of her feet and overall body health.   Dr H does not encourage trampolines or bouncy houses in general due to injuries he sees but he never told us no.  She has been released to all activities, if it's extra rigorous he recommended she wear her AFO (which she still wears most days - you should see the funky tan line she has on that leg!) but she can't wear the AFO on the bouncy house which made me EXTRA nervous.  Either way, I would have blamed myself if something happened so I figured I'd empower her in the process.

So when she asked me the day before her field trip if she could bounce, I told her "Riley, I'm going to trust you.  Just know that if you overdo it and hurt your foot, it could mean another surgery or the rest of the summer in a cast.  But I trust you to know your foot so I'm going to leave it up to you."  Scary stuff!

All day I waited for a phone call that she popped a tendon or twister her ankle.  I never got a call.  Fortunately, I had a meeting near home from 3-4 so I got to get her early.  She didn't mention a thing to me so I finally asked, "How was the field trip?"  She responded "Good, my foot feels good, I didn't go crazy and I took lots of breaks.  My foot feels good!" 

Phew!  I'm really glad I left the decision up to her, I think knowing she had that power led her to make the right decisions for her foot but also allowed her to be a regular Kindergartener. 

Cheers to growing up, maturity, and making responsible decisions!

Bye Bye AFO!

Friday was a big day for Riley!  Not only was it her last day of pre-school (I'm still all teary eyed and choked up about that) but she had an appointment with Dr Hoffinger to check out her feet.  This week marks about 4 months post-op.  Well I left doing the happy dance, and so did Riley.  She is officially allowed to stop wearing her AFO, her face lit up.  We all decided if she was going to be running, jumping, or overall being crazy we should put it on so we don't end up in a cast and miss out on swimming this summer but other than that, she is free to move about without it on!  One happy girl!  And I am happy that she doesn't have to start the EDCC (her summer and before/after school program at the elementary school) with her AFO, I know it sounds bad but I didn't want her starting her new school with her AFO, I didn't want her starting being different, not that she cares but I know kids can be mean and I just don't want her being physically different on her first day.  I know it sounds horrible, and it's not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, I just know how mean kids can be and I want to save Riley some heartbreak.

Back to her check up, he also checked out her right foot and it looks awesome as well and is not close to being considered for the transfer.  Our monthly appointments have been moved to 6 weeks and if all goes well at that appointment he'll gradually make the time between visits longer and longer.  All in all a great visit.  Ri was a little weird there, they even noticed she was a little more reserved, I think that was an effect of being sad that Friday was her last day at her pre-school. 

Waiting for Dr H!

Our usual picture, a very happy girl to be ditching her AFO!  Shoe shopping is on tap for us this weekend!

I have lots of pictures (though I wish I had gotten more of when she was starting the correction process) and her first pair of shoes and her tenotomy casts so I decided to make a shadow box for her highlighting her treatment and milestones.  (They just opened a Hobby Lobby up near us and I can honestly say I heart it tremendously!)

A+ Check-Up

It's hard to believe that we are now nearly 4 months post- op for Riley, time has really flown by.  I must say for the most part this process has been way easier than I could have imagined.  Today I took Ri up to Walnut Creek for her 1 month post-cast check up with Dr Hoffinger.  I can't believe she's been out of her cast for a month, it sort of seems longer but she is now well adjusted to her AFO and is walking without it on at night, it's been so hot here that I've been letting her walk around after her bath in the evening without her AFO or socks to help keep her foot less sweaty, I got in a little trouble for that but I am beyond thrilled to say she got an A+ checkup.  Her feet (both of them) look absolutely beautiful, especially her operated one, I can't get over the transformation.  Every night Riley puts Mederma and lotion on her scars and we do stretches.  Well, it paid off because her flexibility was top notch today, he was so pleased with her correction and the placement of her tendon was perfect.  I feel about as elated as Anna in Frozen when they finally opened the castle gates (yes, I just compared myself to Anna from Frozen, don't judge, I basically watch Frozen and Monsters Inc between the two kids peppered in with some baseball at the request of Marc).

It's been a long, hard journey but I think we might be there.  I am still filled with a ton of guilt that I have somehow done something wrong to put Riley through this, which logically I know is ridiculous but I've learned the heart of a mother isn't always rationale.  I still cry on the inside daily at the unknown future struggles that Ri may face, it seems a lot of the future of "clubfooties" is unknown with the Ponseti treatment because it's so new but I worry about pain, about her not being able to do all of the things that she wants to do because her feet limit her and I feel guilty because I can't protect her from this.  It's been a hard year so far with all of this.  I was talking to a co-worker whose niece had clubfoot and who has 3 girls herself with their own struggles this week at work and she gave me the biggest compliment.  She said on the outside looking at me, through all of this I have come across so composed and brave.  I laughed and told her I was breaking on the inside, especially leading up to the surgery but I knew I had to hold it together for Riley, this is the fate and the path we were given and we could either be a victim and complain and whine about it, or take it head on, for Riley's sake, we took it head on.  It's not a path I would have openly chosen, I know it could be a lot worse, but it could also be a lot better.  I know if I wasn't worrying about her feet, I'd be worrying about something else but instead I worry about all of the normal stuff a mom worries about plus her feet.  The list of worries are endless but I worry most about her future and what it will bring for her, will kids notice and tease her, will she have extreme pain, will she need more surgeries, the list goes on and on.  

But for today, we are happy; me because her surgery looks successful, her right foot is maintaining correction and flexibility without surgical intervention.  And Riley because, though she has at least another month in her AFO, she's allowed to go swimming at a birthday party tomorrow and do anything she wants except for trampolines or bouncy houses.  So today, I'll forget about the unknowns of tomorrow and take the win I can get.

Waiting to see Dr Hoffinger

Our traditional picture, she says we always have to take a picture no matter what!

I posted this one on Facebook, I don't think I had ever posted a picture of her feet pre-treatment, I don't know if I was embarrassed or afraid but the stark difference in her feet at 11 days versus post-treatment is astounding.  I can't believe what medicine has done for Riley.  I can't help but think how happy my Poppa would if he knew how her feet turned out!

Playing Hooky!

I took Friday off and took Riley to Six Flags with her friend Bella and her mom, Jen.  It was a super fun day and the girls were SO excited to be there.  Poor Ri was about a 1/4" too short to ride the rides by herself so I had to go with her.  My neck is super sore today, I must be getting old!  But we had a great time.  The rollercoasters weren't nearly fast enough for Riley and Bella but they had a blast and Riley's foot held up pretty well walking all over the park for 5 hours, I think she might be Disneyland ready!  We even rode a real elephant which was SUPER cool!

All ready to get the rollercoaster riding started!

On our first ride!

If that smile doesn't say fun, I don't know what does!

Nacho chompers!

Watching the dolphin show

Another fun one!

Still smiling after a full day

Now that's what I call a good day!

Sometimes All It Takes Is A New Pair of Shoes

I love shoes, Riley loves shoes, so it kind of, for lack of better terms, sucks that she has clubfeet, it sort of sucks the joy out of shoe shopping.  I'm secretly jealous of all of her friends who can wear cute boots, sparkly Maryjane's, and whatever sneaker they want.  I've never said that out loud and I feel ashamed to feel it.  I just want to be able to take Riley shoe shopping and not have my heart sink because I have to tell her over and over again "When you're done with casts or your AFO, then you can get those shoes."  I don't want her to have to make mature decisions and just accept that she can't wear certain things because of her AFO, I want her to be 5 and be able to go to the shoe store and pick out a pair of shoes, whatever she likes without having to think about the fit.  This surgery has brought back all of those horrible feelings I had when Riley was an infant about her clubfeet.  I wouldn't change a thing about Riley, because of her clubfoot we have learned to be strong, face adversity with a smile on our face, we've learned what we are truly capable of handling.  Riley has also learned to be accepting and compassionate of those who are "different."  We've also met some fabulous families through it.  I just wish it was over.  It was supposed to be behind us by now, and it's not, it's still very much a part of our every day and I am ready for it to be over.  This week was especially rough because they had a jumpy house at school and Riley made the decision on her own not to go one the jumpy house because it would be bad for her foot.  While I am incredibly proud of her maturity and ability to make that decision, my heart breaks because she had to be in that position.  I want her to be able to rip off her shoes, whichever pair that she wanted, and run in the jumpy house and bounce like every other kid.  I don't want her to have to be mature beyond her years.  I want her to be a normal kid.

Last week Riley's teacher was worried about her limping, I was too, I even called Dr H's office about it.  I thought maybe it was her shoes, one was a 10 and one was a 8 and I felt like the different sizes were too extreme and contributing to her limping.  I had read somewhere  that Target's shoes run extra wide.  I don't want to spend $60 on special AFO shoes, and quite honestly, I don't think Riley would wear them, she wants to wear what other kids are wearing and special shoes would have probably resulted in a meltdown.  At lunch one day I needed to get out of the office (that's a whole other story there) so I walked across to Target to check out their shoes.  I always thought expensive shoes were the way to go, Nordstrom all the way, but as I was examining these shoes, seeing which ones looked just wide enough, that I could easily take the insert out of, I realized Target shoes were pretty awesome!  So I picked out a cute pair of grey and pink shoes and brought them home.  I held my breath as I showed Riley them, she loved them.  Phew, test #1 down.  Next we tried them over her AFO, they FIT!  With the insert in and perfectly with the insert out.  Test #2 passed.  Then she started walking, dancing, no more limp!  Test #3, passed!  So reason #1,999 why I love Target, their $24 shoes were the answer to my AFO conundrum!

So she can't wear sparkly Maryjane's, she can't wear cute boots, we can't go to Nordstrom and pick out Toms or sparkly shoes right now but I still hope some day all of these will come true for Riley.  For now, I am just happy with the new pair of shoes from Target because Riley can now run, ride her scooter, dance to "Let It Go" and be Riley!

Modeling her shoes!  Jacob has his own sense of fashion!  LOL!

No shoes here but I love this picture of them hugging, I didn't even ask them too.  And look how tall Ri has gotten!

Cast Free!!!!

Well Friday was the day that we became cast free!  Riley's foot looks so good aside from the very sensitive, dry, cracked skin from being in the cast for basically 9 consecutive weeks (6 post surgery weeks and 3 weeks of re-casting).  Her leg is sore but we're covering it up with lots of lotion and it already looks tremendously better than it did Friday.

Friday everything went smoothly, Dr H and his nurse were extremely happy with the way everything has healed up, there was only 1 stitch that we needed to trim all of the rest had dissolved.  The steri-tape was still on all of the incisions which Riley did not like, and I can't lie, I don't blame her, the incision on the inside near her heel had lots of dried blood.  But other than that her foot looks fantastic.  Dr H even humored me and checked her right foot and he said the curvature I am seeing is from her cavus tendon (same tendon he released on her left foot) and that her range of motion is still really good.  Darn cavus tendons are going to be the death of me.  He felt like it was something we could watch for a while and she'd likely grow out of it because her range of motion is still good and will likely improve as she builds strength in her left leg as she becomes active again.  Her AFO fit perfect and is giving her no problems which is a vast improvement over her last AFO which took at three trips to the brace guy to get it just right.  Of course our problem was shoes, the 2 pairs  I brought did not fit over it so twist our arm we had to go shoe shopping.  Her foot was nice and ripe so we came home and washed it off.  I had to put on my big girl pants pull the steri-strips off. I can see why she didn't like them, it was pretty gross.  But we cleaned it up, had a photo shoot, lotioned her up and were off to the mall for some good old, mommy/Riley shopping.  Dr H made a comment that I should start a line of kids shoes that are designed for orthotics and after our experience, I think he's right.  Nordstrom was fantastic, the girl helping us pretty much brought out every pair of shoes imaginable.  The Nikes that normally fit over her AFO didn't, I'm thinking because of the shape of her foot is different now that it is corrected.  We landed on a pair of lace up Converse All-Stars (I'm sure her teachers will love me for that) but that's the only thing that we could find to get wide enough for her foot to fit in.  We also had to buy a size 10 on her left foot and a size 8 on her right which leads me to the good news, the surgery not only corrected her left foot but for the first time ever, her feet are the same size.  Both measuring at an 8.5, on a side note, Jacob at 2 wears a size 9 so they have the same size feet.  Ri as usually was a good sport for the most part, we had a few tantrums, she hasn't been sleeping well because she was anxious about getting her cast off but other than that she was a sport, esepcially considering she just really wants to go and pick out a pair of shoes that she loves and not have to worry about an AFO.

So here are her million dollar feet, fingers crossed we are done!

As The Saying Goes: All Good Things Must Come to An End

Well, tomorrow I go back to work.  I am super very sad to be heading back.  We managed to make lemonade from our lemons.  We didn't want Riley to have surgery but I used the last four weeks as a way to reconnect with my kids.  I have had a wonderful four weeks with Riley and Jacob and I am so sad to be sending them back to day care full time.  I know that Riley is excited to go (Jacob, not so much, he's my antisocial one) but I am going to fully miss spending time with them.  I've learned so much over the past four weeks, I've learned my kids, while they think they need stuff, all they need is me, sitting on the ground playing Legos, or drinking my coffee while they eat breakfast or going for walks and searching for turkeys.  We didn't go out and spend a lot of money (mostly because Ri was immobile) but we made a ton of memories and I learned how wonderful my kids are.  They are kind, compassionate, loving, smart kids.  Jacob has the best belly laugh I have ever heard and I got to hear more of it over the past four weeks than I have his entire life.  I will truly miss being with them as much as I have been with them come tomorrow.

I pretty much accomplished all that I wanted to accomplish minus reading as much as I had set out wanting to do but I gained two little buddies and I will never regret the last four weeks we had together, I got to craft a little, we colored together, we baked, I became a master Rainbow Loomer and I realized that Riley and Jacob are my greatest works and they deserve my whole heart and soul.  My company won't fold because I decided to invest in my kids more but my kids will collapse if I invest in work more than them.

So while the world is talking about how women should "Lean In" at work, I'm choosing to lean in to my kids and their childhood.  I want more laughter, more fun, more building Legos and Rainbow Loom bracelets and less shuffling from one thing to the next just to stay on a schedule.  I want more cuddling and belting out Frozen songs at the top of our lungs and less work emails and sleepless nights worrying about work.  I want more simple memories with my babies, while they are still babies.

The Big Reveal

Yesterday was cast removal day.  I was super nervous, I've been asking around on some of the facebook clubfoot pages what to expect and I was really worried the scars would scare Riley and if he used a button to anchor the tendon that she would freak out.  Not that the feet looked bad but the scars from the surgeries were pretty red, puffy and raw looking.  I tried to prep Riley and ultimately I told her I would take pictures so if she didn't want to see it at the Dr and decided later, she could look on my phone.  She opted for that route, which was fine with me.  The scars were way better than I expected, they were not raw or red like I expected and rather than using a button, he used stitches and knotted the tendon once it was punched through the bone.  In fact the one site on the top of her foot where the surgical tape came off you could barely see a scar.  I was one happy mommy!  And how does her foot look you wonder, AMAZING!  For the first time in forever I was able to look at her left foot without a pit in my stomach or without turning my head with the sadness of her defect.  I sent a picture to my friend Amber whose son has unilateral clubfoot and she said it looked like her son's non-clubfoot.  It literally made my life hearing that.  All the sweat, effort and tears that I've put into that foot, she finally has the foot that I have always wanted her to have.  A huge wave of relief has swept over me and I am fully at peace with our decision to operate.  Surgery was not the path we wanted to travel on this long journey but I know looking at her beautiful straight foot that it was the path we were intended to walk.  Ri of course wanted to know immediately if she could ride her scooter or bike.  She's been told to not run or go on anything with wheels for 2 weeks.  She's had some difficulty walking since coming out of the full leg cast and has yet to take steps on her own but I know they are around the corner because I know my Riley.

So they are slightly graphic as we were not able to clean it up before re-casting her in her walking cast but here's the semi-finished foot.

So this is the before picture, this is where we were able to get to with 3 rounds of casts prior to the transfer.

Probably the most graphic of the photos, two incisions here where he grabbed the tendon to transfer, he also released the tendon from here, so two scars will be on the inside, we'll get a better view when the cast comes off and we can clean it up and take the surgical tape off.  I love the straightness of her foot, it actually even looks a size bigger than before

Top view, the mark on the outside was where he reattached the tendon, the scar there was so faint already

Bottom where she will have a scar and where he reattched the tendon.

She was finally able to sweet talk her way into a multi-colored cast!

Count Down Chain

Like I mentioned in my last post, I well versed in the Rainbow Loom but I am also well versed in lots of crafts these days, anything to keep Ri off her foot.  We made a paper chain to help countdown how many more days until her cast comes off.  I think she wouldn't mind it if she could walk but the fact that it's non-weight bearing has her all up in a tizzy.  She wants to be up and moving around.

Has It Really Been 3 Weeks???

All I can say is that being off has been absolutely glorious, I don't know where they time has gone.  Reconnecting with my kids have been the greatest and everyone is happier and more well behaved.  Lots has happened, some good, some bad so here goes the update:

Dog: We had a dog for 2 days, he was adorable, sweet, beautiful but was 3 months old and the kids were petrified of his energy.  We named him Buster and he was a Goldendoodle and I became attached to him very quickly.  The kids wouldn't be on the same level of the house as him so luckily the breeder was understanding and took him back.  When it was just Marc and I he was essentially the perfect dog, he slept by some one's side or feet but when the kids were around he was all puppy.  He would jump on Jacob and knock him over and mouth his head, obviously he thought of Jacob as a litter mate but Jacob didn't feel the same.  Two weeks later he still tells me that the "Oof bite hand.  Owie."  Hopefully he's not scarred for life!

Death:  My co-worker/friend's husband collapsed playing basketball 2 weeks ago and died.  They don't know the cause but the autopsy showed an enlarged heart.  He was 32 and we have been social with them.  They have a 3 year old daughter and she and Riley adore each other and an 8 month old son.  I took it pretty hard, my heart breaks for my friend and her children.  I attended the funeral last Friday which was horrible.  The image of my friend and her two children following the casket was too much to handle.  I often believe that everything happens for a reason and God only gives you what you are strong enough to handle but with this particular situation I struggle with that and faith, how could God take a 32 year old father away from his young wife and young children and leave these children fatherless.  The baby will have no memories of him and I find myself questioning faith.

New Friends: I'll end on a highlight, we made some new friends.  There was a woman in San Jose that I started emailing with from one of the clubfoot groups and turns out her first (she's pregnant with number 2) was born the exact same day as Jacob and has bilateral clubfeet just like Riley.  We are very similar and hit it off and best of all, the kids all played wonderfully together, even sourpuss Jacob!  It is so nice to have a local friend now that understands the trials and tribulations of clubfeet and the constant worry over the feet.  It's also nice to have another set of eyes looking at her feet.  Unfortunately, she saw what I saw on Riley's right foot which is, it is turning in and there's a crease on the bottom.  I thought maybe it was from the walker but it is getting worse.  Luckily we go Friday so Dr H can take a look at it.  Our new friends also go to the same practice for B's foot though they see a different Dr there so it's nice to compare notes!  B took right to Riley and Jacob cried for his new buddy when they had to go home!

Riley has been doing fantastic.  I have really enjoyed spending time with her and have a whole new appreciation of her.  When I was uber upset about having to give Buster back she climbed up on the couch, comforted me and pulled up pictures of Buster as memories.  She also took these photos, how could I be sad with this face around???

When my friend invited us over to help cheer up her daughter, I told Ri what happened to Reese's daddy and she insisted on picking out a Cheer Bear Care Bear for Reese to help cheer her up.  She has such a good heart and an old soul.  We've spent a lot of time making Rainbow Loom bracelets.  I've also moved Jacob to part time day care while I've been home and he's doing much better.  No bites in like 3 weeks (knock on wood) and I'm loving all of the laughs that he is full of each night now that I have time to sit down and tickle monster him or be his horsey.  This time has really made me reevaluate my priorities and make me realize that I need to be more available to the kids.  Now I just need to figure out how to balance it all when I go back to work next week, which officially is going to be really hard for me to do!

Now I Remember...

Ri and I have been having quite a good time this past week. Recovery is going remarkably well, way better than I could have ever imagined and we're having fun being together without the stress of me working.  I think everyone is happier, including Mr Jacob who seems to be in a biting hiatus!  Yippee!  My house has never been cleaner, more organized and I am making dinner almost every night from homemade Greek to from scratch Mac and Cheese.  Jacob is still in day care full time this week because we weren't sure how Riley's recovery would go but next week he will only go 3 days a week for the duration of my leave.  It will be really hard to go back to work the end of March, that's for sure!

Ri and I have been trying to get out, the first half of the week was SUPER nice so we were able to go for walks in the morning to Peet's, Safeway, or just around the neighborhood looking for wild turkeys.  The rain came yesterday so I decided to take her to a movie in the morning.  My back is killing me from carrying her around so I tried to convince her to use her walker (which the nurse at Dr H's said she needed to start using since we caught her twice trying to hop on 1 foot - 3 days post surgery, oy!).  Well we had it out for a while, to the point where we almost didn't go to the movies.  I compromised and told her I would carry her from the car to the theater but she had to use it in the theater (how can I carry her and our popcorn at the same time???)  Her biggest concern was that people would stare at her, when did my little girl become self conscience about being different?  I finally convinced her that no one cared, that if they asked it was because they thought it was cool to see a squirt getting around with a walker and she could either tell them that she had surgery or that she had an owie but that was it.  So we headed to the movie, it was smooth sailing, it was not busy at all, we sat in the handicap seats so she didn't have to do stairs and there was only 2 other people in the movie.  We left when it was over and I thought we had conquered our issue, then a mom and her two kids, about Ri's age walked in and the stares were uncomfortable.  And then, all of the emotions of having a baby/child that I had when Ri was a baby came rushing back.  Their stares could not have been more obvious and the mom was the worst of all, I think she almost ran into something because she was staring at Riley rather than watching where she was going.  Seriously, rather than staring and making us uncomfortable, just ASK for Pete's sake!  And just like that, our time with the walker was done.  I so wanted to say something to her, to let her know that her stares and inappropriateness was making my daughter uncomfortable but I just bite my tongue, I didn't want to make a big deal and embarrass Riley or make her more self conscience, I can only hope for karma for this lady.

Hopefully Our Journey Ends Here

Thursday was our surgery day.  It was kind of surreal walking into John Muir with our 5 year old, after all it was just over 5 years ago that we walked out of there with our 4 1/2 lb crooked foot baby girl.  Kind of ironic our journey started in John Muir and hopefully it has ended there now.  Ri was such a brave girl the past few weeks.  The night before her surgery she broke down and it broke my heart.  My brave little toaster lost her bravery during the day and it made me realize how much I take advantage of her strength, she is after all, only a 5 year old girl, wise well beyond her years.  But the staff throughout the hospital (I've never walked through John Muir until this past week as I couldn't leave the post-partum floor the two times I was there but it's a swanky joint for a hospital!) was beyond nice, they all offered help if we needed it for anything, and it came across genuine, not like it was their job.

Our pre-op nurse was great and made Riley relaxed, she even called us as we were walking into the hospital to see if we were on our way because Dr H wanted to start early.  After checking in they took us right back and got Ri comfortable.  The pre-op nurse got her medications prepped, Dr H stopped by, and the anesthesiologist came by to explain the anesthesia.  Then they gave her a relaxation syrup which basically made her not care about the surgery or anything else.  And because we are those parents, we laughed at her sloppiness, her slurring and her incomplete sentences (just to note, after the surgery Dr H said she was hilarious in the OR, slurring and trying to tell stories that everyone was laughing and he almost recorded it for us).  They rolled her back and I lost it and started bawling.  I think 5 years of stress over her clubfeet finally manifested itself in tears.  We headed down to the cafe and had some coffee while we waited out the 2 hour surgery.  About 10 minutes later my cell rang with the hospital number and my heart dropped, it was the OR nurse, first words, everything is fine, phew, but the anesthesiologist wants to talk to you.  Dr H wanted to give Ri a different pain management protocol than we had talked about and so they wanted to run it by me.  I told him to go with what Dr H recommended, a spinal block plus the general anesthesia.  About 20 minutes before our meeting time we went to the gift shop and got Ri a balloon then went to our designated spot to wait for Dr H.  While we were there the nurse called to say Dr H couldn't find us, Ri was awake and was crying for us, they finished early.

We rushed up to the 2nd floor and Dr H was at the door, he said it went FANTASTIC!  I think perfect was his exact words.  He also did a cavus tendon release (the tendon on the bottom of her foot) and he said as soon as he popped it, her entire foot straightened out and was beautiful.  He then transferred the tendon as expected.  He wanted to admit us because of what he did he felt like she would be in a lot of pain and he wanted us at the hospital, I couldn't argue with that since when we got to Riley she was hysterically crying and screaming that her cast was too tight, she wanted out, she wanted the IV out, she was overall too agitated so they started morphine.  Four doses of morphine later, she was calm and ready to be moved to peds.

We got to our room and she was not happy but there was a playroom across the hall.  I will say that if God forbid your child ever needs to be in the hospital and you live in the Bay Area, John Muir is fantastic.  They did everything to make her comfortable.  The nurses were fantastic and they have a playroom on the peds floor which was right across from Ri's room.  We got her settled, they offered juice, took her stats and then a Child Behavior Specialist came in with games, DVDs, arts and crafts and began talking and playing with Riley.  She asked her questions about her favorite movies, colors, etc but in a way that was more conversational.  Shana was a God send because Riley was immediately calm (could have also been the morphine) talking about Sophia the First, her brother, etc and a few minutes later, Shana was in with an Ariel pillowcase for Riley, more games, Sophia the First and My Little Pony DVDs.  By early afternoon Ri was begging to go to the play room.  Dr H came by several times throughout the day to check on her and we made it over to the play room by wagon that afternoon.

At 7:30 we were settling in for the night and Dr H came by, totally didn't expect it so late.  He told us we could go home but Marc had already left to help my mom settle Jacob and put him to bed.  He told me to call to see if he wanted to come get us or if we should stay the night.  While I was talking to Marc, Dr H was hanging with Riley who was watching Despicable Me.  Ri was being her typical self, she burped and I heard him say "Riley, you are even adorable when you burp. Can I take your picture to show my wife, she would love to see you because I talk about you all the time."  All of a sudden Riley is giving him the biggest cheese ever.  We decided to stay the night because by the time Marc got there, they discharged us, we got home it would be well after 9:00 and I wanted her to get some rest.  She wasn't entirely happy but I let her fall asleep with a DVD on.  Of course the nurses were in all of the time (totally remembered why I was so ready to get discharged after having the kids) and so we got a lot of broken sleep.  At 4:15 Riley woke me up (very calmly) telling me that her foot hurt and could she call the nurse.  So they came in and gave her a dose of morphine and she fell asleep until about 5:30 when she was up and ready to go to the playroom.  Yes, my child is incapable of sitting still.

I got up, got dressed, and we hung out and waited to get discharged.  Bev from Dr H's office came by in the morning to see Riley which was SO nice.  Then Dr H came around 11 and said we could go home, that the fact that we were in the playroom was a good sign that she should be home.  One of the nurses even commented that Riley looked too healthy to be in the hospital.  By the end of our stay, Ri was helping the nurses clean her IV and set everything up for her medications.  We got home around 2:30 and I showered and went and got Jacob who was beyond excited to see me and Riley.

Over all she's doing really well.  We were on Tylenol with Codeine the past few days but I was able to wean her from it today and have just been giving her over the counter medication.  She seems to have the most pain at 6PM so  have to give her a dose of Motrin between Tylenol but other than that she's doing great!  We even got out for a walk on Saturday morning while Marc was at soccer with Jacob.  Ri chatted up some firemen that were in Peet's with us and they gave her a sticker for her cast.  She's loving the attention and is milking if fully.  And we have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of concern and goodies to keep Riley busy over the past few days.  I think she's gotten so many treats from people she's actually going to want to have another surgery!

I have been in awe of her strength and acceptance over all of this.  My friend Jessica wrote on my facebook wall: "Big mountains for such little feet to climb, but no other little feet could climb them so courageously."  So true, I can't think of anyone else who could conquer all of this the way Riley can.  So fingers crossed this signals the end of our clubfoot journey.

In the recovery room

Balloons my brother and his family sent

All settled in her room

Playing games with my mom

Mommy/Riley selfie

Having some fun in the hospital

I had to register her for kindergarten while we were there!  Ahhh!

Playing video games in the playroom

Finally heading home! She's excited, can you tell?

On our way out!

Saturday morning walk to Peet's

Pinkalicious!