It Was Only A Matter of Time

Riley's behavior has been off all summer, we're not sure what's going on.  We've tried talking to her and she either storms off and says she doesn't want to talk about it or she denies anything is going on.  The end of the year ended rough for her as well.  The last day of school we headed to Dr Hoffinger, I had been prepping her for a while that she might need more surgery but it would be after her summer softball All-Star league (yep, didn't blog about that either) and after soccer season which is due to start any day.  Anyway, the appointment pretty much went as expected.  She needs surgery, not a tendon transfer, but a tendon lengthening on the bottom of her foot.  It should be a month in a walking cast so she wouldn't have to miss school (darn, that means no work leave for me to care for her) and it should be fairly easy compared to what she's been through.  And Dr Hoffinger being as awesome as he is agreed to wait until after soccer season.

Well it all came out a week ago.  It was bedtime and Riley just lost it, it all came rolling out.  She overheard Dr Hoffinger and I talking and she knew she needed more surgery.  She hates having surgery, she hates having clubfeet, she hates the way the medicine they give her for surgery makes her feel, why does she have clubfeet and no one else in the family does, why doesn't Jacob have it but she does?  Every why I've ever asked myself came rolling out of her.  All of the weight and burden that I've carried for 8 years since finding out about her feet came spewing out of her mouth and in those moments, my heart shattered into a million pieces.  I fumbled my way through all of those questions.

I don't know why you have clubfeet Riley, but you do.  And as long as you have it we'll fight it and we'll beat it.  Jacob doesn't have it, well because, you've met your brother and he couldn't handle it.  Do you think Jacob could handle casts, AFOs, surgery?  No, but you can.  You're never given anything you can't handle.  But remember all of those kids that we see at Dr Hoffinger, who are in wheelchairs and can't walk.  The have it much harder than we do, at least you can run and play and are the best softball player in the family.  So I hate clubfeet too but we have it pretty good compared to some other kids.

What if I have it when I'm an adult and have to have more surgery?

Then I'll be by your side, even if you're married and have your own kids, I'll hold your hand as you go into surgery and I'll be there when you wake up.  No matter how old you are, we'll fight it together.

I hate clubfeet.  I wish I never had it.

Me too, Riley, me too.  All I ever do is worry about you, your feet, having a normal life, I worry that you will have pain when you are older but we're doing the surgery and the things we're doing now so that when you are older and an adult, hopefully we can stop worrying and all we'll do is have pictures and memories to remind us of our battle.

And as she went to bed with tear soaked cheeks, I went to bed wishing if I could wake up and make her clubfeet mine, I would.

I Can't Believe...

My last blog was January 3...that means I missed Riley's birthday, her entire softball season, end of the school year and many other events along the way.  Life in the Zimmerman house has become quite chaotic with the kids getting older, me working full time and commuting and all of the activities that we have lined up.  It seems what used to be my passion and hobby has fallen by the wayside.  

Hopefully I can be better and get back to blogging so the kids have a "memory book" of their childhood through these posts.

My Sporty Spice

We didn't have many plans this week, we decided on a staycation to get caught up on life so when we got an email about a batting clinic through Riley's new softball league, we decided to sign her up to dust off her bat and swing.  I was a little worried that she would be the youngest there but it turned out that only 6 girls signed up for the time we chose and they ranged from 6-9 so it was perfect.  There was a professional batting coach running it along with two high school players who were college bound so they were able to individualize the instruction to fit the level of the girls.  The batting coach had an app that measures the trajectory of the swing along with swing time to the ball.  It was pretty cool.  He then took Riley's swing and layered it over professional athletes' swing.  He compared Riley's swing to Jennie Finch (USA Olympic player) and Riley has a pretty similar swing to her.  It was crazy, he also said her reflexes and bat swing are fast enough that she could play player pitch this year (versus the coaches pitch her age and grade default too).

I love watching Riley play any sport but particularly softball.  She becomes a different person on the field, her focus is unbreakable, she matures about 10 years and she's passionate and dedicated to it.  It made me very excited about this upcoming softball season!

My Loo Turned 4!

It's hard to believe that it's been two weeks since my Loo turned 4 (and that I am just able to sit down - sort of - and blog about it!).  So first, my note to my Jacob on his 4th birthday:

My Sweet Jacob Liam!  It's hard to believe that 4 years ago you came into this big world and made it a whole lot brighter.  What a little man you have turned into over the past year.  You are hell bent on being a big boy and hanging with Riley's friends.  It's no secret that you're not an easy kid but what you lack in flexibility, sleep and an even temperament, you make up for in empathy, compassion and overall kindheartedness.  You are always the first to run to someone who is upset to see if they are ok and see how you can help.  When you are sad, you easily and openly express your feelings.  You are sensitive and easily get your feelings hurt, especially if scolded my someone you love.  You are my cuddler and love to snuggle.  But at the same time you are all boy, you love Darth Vadar, light sabers, fire trucks, and all things boy.

In the past year, I have seen you open up and become a social little butterfly.  You have a tight core group of buddies that you love to hang with and openly approach other children to play, something that you would have never done a year ago.  But at the same time, you feel odd and overwhelmed being the center of attention.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, may you always remain the sweet, compassionate, boys boy that you are and may your 4th year bring lots of love, happiness and FUN!  I love you forever and ever and ever again my little buddy!

To celebrate we had a super fun birthday party at Build-A-Bear Workshop, they did a great job and we are now proud owners of a Kylo Ren Star Wars Bear!

On Jacob's actual birthday we let him pick his day since it was a Saturday!  We opened some presents, then went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks.  While at the movie theater, we ran into a Droid!  So fun!  Then we hit Menchie's before having dinner at home (Jacob's request) and ice cream cake!

Jacob also had a great 4 year well check!  He's measuring in the 65th percentile on weight and the 55th on height.  And is the picture of health!  He even got 3 vaccines and did not shed one tear, he let out a little ow on the third one but didn't cry or meltdown!  All he wanted was a pair of Dr exam gloves so he could play Dr at home!  How old does he look at his checkup!