Riley's behavior has been off all summer, we're not sure what's going on. We've tried talking to her and she either storms off and says she doesn't want to talk about it or she denies anything is going on. The end of the year ended rough for her as well. The last day of school we headed to Dr Hoffinger, I had been prepping her for a while that she might need more surgery but it would be after her summer softball All-Star league (yep, didn't blog about that either) and after soccer season which is due to start any day. Anyway, the appointment pretty much went as expected. She needs surgery, not a tendon transfer, but a tendon lengthening on the bottom of her foot. It should be a month in a walking cast so she wouldn't have to miss school (darn, that means no work leave for me to care for her) and it should be fairly easy compared to what she's been through. And Dr Hoffinger being as awesome as he is agreed to wait until after soccer season.
Well it all came out a week ago. It was bedtime and Riley just lost it, it all came rolling out. She overheard Dr Hoffinger and I talking and she knew she needed more surgery. She hates having surgery, she hates having clubfeet, she hates the way the medicine they give her for surgery makes her feel, why does she have clubfeet and no one else in the family does, why doesn't Jacob have it but she does? Every why I've ever asked myself came rolling out of her. All of the weight and burden that I've carried for 8 years since finding out about her feet came spewing out of her mouth and in those moments, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I fumbled my way through all of those questions.
I don't know why you have clubfeet Riley, but you do. And as long as you have it we'll fight it and we'll beat it. Jacob doesn't have it, well because, you've met your brother and he couldn't handle it. Do you think Jacob could handle casts, AFOs, surgery? No, but you can. You're never given anything you can't handle. But remember all of those kids that we see at Dr Hoffinger, who are in wheelchairs and can't walk. The have it much harder than we do, at least you can run and play and are the best softball player in the family. So I hate clubfeet too but we have it pretty good compared to some other kids.
What if I have it when I'm an adult and have to have more surgery?
Then I'll be by your side, even if you're married and have your own kids, I'll hold your hand as you go into surgery and I'll be there when you wake up. No matter how old you are, we'll fight it together.
I hate clubfeet. I wish I never had it.
Me too, Riley, me too. All I ever do is worry about you, your feet, having a normal life, I worry that you will have pain when you are older but we're doing the surgery and the things we're doing now so that when you are older and an adult, hopefully we can stop worrying and all we'll do is have pictures and memories to remind us of our battle.
And as she went to bed with tear soaked cheeks, I went to bed wishing if I could wake up and make her clubfeet mine, I would.
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